the joys of technology

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Fri, Aug 1, 2014 at 6:23 PM
From: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
To: adam.shafer@gmail.com

Cyber hello to you Adam!

Greetings to you and Lisa from the balmy north! Write me one of these days and tell me how you’re doing!

Best to you and your family,
Sarah

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Mon, Aug 4, 2014 at 9:35 AM
From: Adam Shafer <adam@adamshafer.com>
To: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>

Sarah,

Good day, my lady. Things are well, albeit cold, in the frigid south. It appears that the world has been inverted and the tribulations of winter are upon us here. I have went hunting for rabbits and other wild game to keep myself and my family fed until the change of the seasons, but it appears my efforts may be those of futility. You see, my youngest hath decided that he shall not eat the flesh of the beasts, and instead wishes to devour grass and other weeds. He eats anything green, and also eats the fruit and vegetables that come from plants in our region. He will only nourish himself in such manner and refuses to drink and eat like a civilized southerner: on the blood and entrails of delicious animals.

I am at a loss on what to do in my current situation. Can thou shed any light?

Good tidings to you,
Adam

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Mon, Aug 4, 2014 at 11:08 AM
From: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
To: Adam Shafer <adam@adamshafer.com>

Hey Adam,

Where in the south are you? You’re a hunter? My goodness we’ve been out of touch! When you talk about futile efforts, do you mean that you didn’t catch anything, or that despite success hunting, your efforts to provide for your family (in this way) are futile because your child wants to be a vegetarian?

Since you’re asking, I’m on his side! :) If I were you, I’d invest in a nice vegetarian cookbook! I can send you recipes if you want, just let me know. Michael and I don’t eat much meat at all. The meat we do eat, we try to source as locally, as humanely, and as sustainably as possible. So the fact that you hunt for your family’s sustenance is nice. My other suggestion is that you stop trying to feed him blood and entrails! Most kids in the US will prefer the muscle tissue of the animal over anything you can concoct out of the blood and offal. ;-) How old is he? Assuming he’s really determined, and not just a picky toddler, there are plenty of ways to meet his nutritional needs without meat.

Give me a rundown on the rest of the family! How old is everyone? How many of you are there now? What’s Lisa up to? Where are you working? Do fill in some more of the family details soon, please; the picture you’ve painted for me so far is one of the love child of Elmer Fudd and William Shakespeare!

:) Sarah

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Mon, Aug 4, 2014 at 2:01 PM
From: Adam Shafer <adam@adamshafer.com>
To: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>

Sarah,

I am in the deep, deep south, sometimes too deep it seems. After the war, I have had no other choice but to hunt to provide for the family. However, I am fortunate to have what I have. I thank the friends that I have met here for teaching me how to hunt. Otherwise, my family and I likely would’ve starved years ago. Big John lent me a slingshot and showed me how to take out the bats that live in the trees at night. They are slightly tough when cooked, but have a delicious almost-seafood-like taste to them. I suppose that’s why they call them the tuna of the skies!

By saying my efforts were futile, I mean that one of my wee lads just won’t eat what I bring home. He is now four years old. I have tried everything. Once, I tried to disguise a muskrat as a mango, but he is such a smart boy he immediately called my bluff and ate an entire watermelon in front me! For that, I threw him in the river and hoped he wouldn’t return, but he did. And now he just sits around the cabin eating fruit and spouting out how “we are all creatures of the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster.” Then he shouts “PASTAFARI!” repeatedly. I think he may be part of some sort of cult.

I understand that up in the heated north people are picky and only eat the muscle of the animals, but here in our isolated south, we are forced to eat EVERY part of every animal. Before coming here, I didn’t even know you could eat the teeth of animals. Now, I make dishes such as teeth-crusted raccoon. The whole family loves it, as do I.

The rest of the family is fantastic and is aging well. Every year, each one of them get a year older. Lisa is well and is also aging well. The only work I am doing is providing for the family by hunting. I typically hunt about 20 hours a day and rest for four hours.

Best to you, m’lady,
Adam

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Wed, Aug 6, 2014 at 10:03 AM
From: Adam Shafer <adam@adamshafer.com>
To: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>

Sarah,

I have just returned from a two-day hunting excursion in the deepest of the south. I have not received any correspondence from you in those two days, and I fear the worst. My only hope is that one of the tubes that carry information throughout the internet is simply clogged, and your messages will come through once the blockage is cleared.

Until then, may the Gods be with you,
Adam

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Thu, Aug 7, 2014 at 9:49 AM
From: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
To: Adam Shafer <adam@adamshafer.com>

Adam,

Hi again! The tube system wasn’t clogged; I am just busy trying to meet a deadline for an article I’m working on, and since I was a bit baffled by your emails, I thought I’d let another part of my brain chew on them for a while before I responded.

I’m confused: you talk about hunting in the deep south, but when my mother mentioned your wanting to get back in touch, she said she thought you were in Portland, OR. I’ve both lived in the southern states of the U.S. and been to Portland, and though Portland is certainly south of other places, it bears little resemblance to my experience with what is commonly referred to by US English speakers as “the deep south”. So where are you? We, for example, are in Trondheim, Norway. And “we”, by the way, means myself, my husband Michael, and our cat Zofus. (The Z sounds like a regular S in Norwegian.)

You’re an absolute hoot to read, creative as ever, just like old times. At the same time, I’m left wondering if something is wrong or if you’re obscuring things on purpose because you don’t want me to know how things are going. I promise I wouldn’t have asked if I really didn’t care. Right now I’m really busy with work and writing and stuff, so you can continue as before, but it will take longer for me to get back to you. It would be great to reconnect. I’m sure we have a lot of stories to share! Hope you’ll give my best to your sweet wife.

:) Sarah

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Thu, Aug 7, 2014 at 2:31 PM
From: Adam Shafer <adam@adamshafer.com>
To: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>

Sarah,

I am beginning to suspect that you may not be who you say you are. You seem to be asking too many questions, and may have sided with the enemy. I had though the war was over, but it seems that remnants remain throughout the country. I think you are one of those remnants. Also, the fact that you seem CERTAIN that the tubes of the Internet weren’t clogged makes me question why you are at such a level to know these gritty details. I have heard of these scams before. Seeing as though I cannot verify you are who you say you are, you could be spouting all sorts of made up lies to me, even for the sake of simple entertainment. I just read an article today about a man in this situation. http://arstechnica.com/uncategorized/2014/08/my-e-mail-war-taking-revenge-on-the-idiot-using-my-address/

Alas, perhaps I am overreacting and being paranoid because of my experiences over the last decade or so. If that is the case, I apologize. In such a state of isolation here in the southest of the south, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. The other day I shot and killed a buffalo. After returning home with its carcass, I discovered that it was not a buffalo at all, but instead a large tree trunk. I still ate it, of course, but it was not as delicious as it should’ve been.

I have never heard of this Portlandtown you speak of. Is it even further south than where I am at? Are there many wooden ships that make port there? Should I seek out this place and attempt to make passage back to the north? I am afraid that you may be a spy trying to lure me in to a trap, but the thought of sailing out of this dreadful place makes me second guess that notion.

Did you see Tiger Woods’ performance today? What a n00b.

With great respect,
Adam

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Thu, Aug 7, 2014 at 4:11 PM
From: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
To: Adam Shafer <adam@adamshafer.com>
Dear Adam,

Sorry, Spokane. Better? Checked with my mom again (Carol Anne Xxxxxxxx Xxxxx, PhD in School Psychology from the U of U 2007, played Yente in Fiddler on the Roof summer 2013.). Look, it was you who asked my mom to reach out to me and let me know that you two had reconnected, describing yourself as “thrilled” at the prospect of talking with me again and describing my masters in disability and society as “such an accomplishment”. I told her to tell you I was the only Sarah Xxxxx-Xxxxxx on Skype (location = Trondheim, Norway). Did she do that? If so, you and I could be having this ID verification using the visual language we share like reasonable people.

I could try to be clever right now, but frankly, I was excited to reconnect with an old friend. If the fact that you got an email from me (from the same email I’ve always had) within one day of asking my mom to get us in touch doesn’t allay your skepticism, I don’t know what will. I know why you didn’t get an email from me; because I didn’t send one. Everything was just a bit weird. But now I’ve noticed that though you gave my mom a gmail address, you’re writing to me from adam@adamshafer.com. Without a C. That’s not how you spell your name. Perhaps it is I who should be wary of you?

I didn’t see Tiger Woods’ performance, nor have I ever, outside of newscasts from which I failed to look away soon enough. I have no interest in golf, nor have I ever had. I once suffered through a nine hole course with an old beau. Six groups played through on my account.

Your turn: you can either explain your aliases and provide proof you are the same SHEEP+AGENT I know, or I will chalk you up to a surreal diversion and say to you what is said at l. 568 of a movie that we once watched together, possibly also in the company of your brother, but in truth, I remember not. This line will be the key that lets me know that it is you. You, my good sir, have had the tables turned. If you fail in this, then my friend shall soon receive my regrets via my mother. Whether that is you, remains to be seen.

In hope,
Sarah

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Thu, Aug 7, 2014 at 4:32 PM
From: Adam Shafer <adam@adamshafer.com>
To: sarah xxxxx-xxxxxx <cxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>

Sarah,

Oh wait, you’re not my wife. I thought I was emailing my wife, Sarah, this whole time. Turns out you’re from some genius family living in Norway? Boy, this sure is a party foul on your end. What if I had started sending questionable photographs your way? Boy, would I have been embarassed. Lesson learned, I guess. I should really start reading the last names of people who send me messages, eh?

Anywho, I think I’m going to start up my old alt rock band from college, only rebranded. What do you think about the moniker SHEEP+AGENT? I think it’s pretty edgy, and really conveys the feeling that I’m going for once me and the boys get back together for the reunion tour.

Oh, and to answer the pop quiz presented at the end of your email, the line was from Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith:
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

Peace,
A-Bomb

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